Still Not Getting the Message

     No matter how many times I may want to believe what I did was the right thing, I just can't. I ended something because it was the right thing to do right? Because I wanted to make those around me happy and please them? But it just doesn't feel right.
      I remember one day after I had a talk with a really close friend, my phone was thrown into a wall because I couldn't talk to ANYONE of the opposite gender. After that I got really upset so I decided to go for a walk at around 10:30 pm. Every step that I took away from house, though uneasy, felt like I was doing the right thing. Yet, the moment I turned around and started walking back it felt like sick to my stomach. Like I was going in the wrong direction with my life and that maybe I should turn around and walk to the one place I know I wanted to be. Unfortunately, the one place I want to be isn't exactly welcome territory at the moment. Mainly because where I want to be is not somewhere, but with someone.
     So yeah.... I still haven't gotten over my break up and it's been 2 months. Is that normal? To still like someone even after you've had no contact with them what so ever? I mean I know I should move on since he's obviously trying....so why can't I? When you get into a relationship that you never want to end, but eventually do due to circumstances it should be easy to forget the other person right? But I can't. I can't help but remember all the good times.

•  During the Zonta penny drive when I got to stuff my face with pizza and was encouraged into the hall just so he could say hi, and tell me that he loved me.
• When he surprise kissed me before one of the biggest presentations of my life.
• Laughing in the halls about my terrible observations skill
• Eating a doughnut in his house after admiring all the awards
• Being in the car and constantly changing the radio station, but not getting yelled at or told to stop cause he did it to
• Always nudging or squeezing his hand just to bug him and get his attention
• Endless webcam conversations, texts, emails, IMs, etc.
• Looking into his eyes and knowing for a fact there was no one else, no cheating !
• Getting into a fight and not being able to stay mad at each other for more than a second
• getting piggy back rides down my stairs
• His super soft hands (mine are like sandpaper)

      And everyday, this is what plays over and over again in my head. Every moment, every good time, every happy smile and laugh. The fact that knowing there was someone out there that appreciated all of me no matter what, whether I was smart, dumb, skinny, fat, it never mattered. What mattered was that I knew I would never have to watch what I say around him or worry that he kept what he thought off his mind from me. I loved being able to share every thought that came out of mind without being judged or doubted, but trusted whole - heartedly. I swear if I told him that large consumption of calcium didn't actually help bone density (which it doesn't), he would take my word for it and nothing else. So maybe I miss that.... or at least the memory of it.
      Instead, I am now greeted with silence. Dead, cold, nothingness. I mean sure we see one another, but there are still so many feelings there that I just don't trust myself around him and I can't have that. I can't have myself put him through this again just so that I could be happy and hope he feels that same way. I mean that is just the textbook definition of being selfish is it not? So instead, I suck up the mediocre human being that I am and shut it all out. Shut out my feelings, my thoughts, my wants and just get through the day. Most of the times I hope that he'll say may be it would be alright if we got back together, but I know it's never going to happen because of all the consequences that come with it. I fear that even if this does happen I won't be able to say yes because I know how much pain this happiness brings. Because now when I look in his I don't see happiness or joy. I see regret and pain. A look that says, " I want you, but I can't have you and everyday I see you, but I can't do anything about it because one of us will get hurt". HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FACE THAT LOOK. I've cause this one person that I care sooo much about so much pain that I can't even look him in the eye. Not a day goes by that I just want to pull him, kiss him and say I wish things could go back to the way they were before. But I can't. So I shant. And instead I torture myself with  memories I know I shouldn't bring up,  but they are what I want most right now. I just want to be happy. To be told that what I did wasn't the most horrible thing in the world and that what I gave up was worth it. Yet, every day I come to the same conclusion... it wasn't.

Sincerely,
Never Letting Go