So I have finally graduated from highschool, it only took me four years...Though the reason I write this post (or rather type it) is because I need an outlet. So why not mix old school therapy with new school technology.
My senior year has been filled with.....memorable moments. From calling my big brother and crying over being accepted to university....during the first week of school. To breaking up with Dummy. Which REALLY took its toll on my outlook of life. It actually left me feeling pretty depressed to lose such an amazing relationship. Though now I would not get together with him, that doesn't mean the soft spot won't go away. It's just one of those things that sticks with you till you die. On a happy note though, this year lead to a lot of self-discovery.
To start off with, I began to realize that when I put more effort into something my neglence is reflected in the other areasof my life. Though I may have been a true friend to one friend I ended up brushing away a few others based on the selfish assumption that they would always be there. I came out of senior realizing, the your true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to point out your flaws and help you fix them.
Another thing I was re-introduced to about myself is that I SUCK at time management. I handed in assignments late, I barely finished tests, much less exams, and I rarely came to school on time. I mean, I was extremely late, I am talking 38 lates for my first period class, and only showing up twice to my English class on time. This is clearly not a habbit I wish to bring with me into University.
Speaking of University, I managed to get into UofT, Ryerson and Western! The one I chose to attend was Western. With the distance away from my parents I am hoping to gain some independence. I want to be able to know that I'll be able to stand on my two feet and not crumble away.
However, the main reason I am writing in my blog isn't just because I am graduating and done with highschool it actually has to do with my new boyfriend.... Don't get me wrong he is an amazing guy and all, but he confuses the fuck out of me! I mean I get it has been a while since either of us have been in a relationship, but I just know he is keeping a lot from me. And I know everyone has their right to their own personal hell, but I am not used to being kept out of it. When people approach me the first thing they tell me is that I am easy to talk to. That they can really open up to me. Yet, with him its like he was granted an immunity or something. And what frustrates me is that I can see him hurting and I can't even help. Its so goddamingly frustrating! Oh and to make matters worse is that we won't even be going to the same University. We are literally on the opposite sides of the province and with the distance I am afraid of what will happen. I don't want to break up with someone, with whom I know there is a potential amazing future. I don't want to think their is someone that is better for me, because I know there isn't.
Though at the same time, I don't want to be a restriction. I've never been the type of person that holds someone back from what they want to do, even if that means I get hurt in the end. I just can't do that to someone's life. Yet what pisses me off the most, is that I feel like he doesn't even want to get to know me. Sure we do couple like things: hold hands, peck, skype, etc but thats it. And the one day I tried to turn a peck into a makeout session I GET REJECTED! Do you know what that does a girl's psyche? It makes her feel like all the effort she is putting into the relationship is one sided. Like maybe her so called boyfriend just wanted to remain a friend. That maybe I am forcing something that he just isn't ready for yet. And though I can feel the timing is not the greatest I also feel like its worth it. That breaking through that barrier will lead me to an amazing person that I know is deep down. So if I am not being kissed because we aren't there yet, I am okay with that, I just need some sign of where the hell we ARE at....
Oh well, let the summer begin and a new chapter into uni life begin :) Because even with all of my psychoanaltical ways I still have a pretty awesome life. I mean who else can say their graduation gift is a trip to Eurpoe, a new dell touchscreen laptop, and a diamond ring. A spoiled kid, that's who! ;)
Sincerely,
Kavita Ambu
