The End of Highschool

So I have finally graduated from highschool, it only took me four years...Though the reason I write this post (or rather type it) is because I need an outlet. So why not mix old school therapy with new school technology.

My senior year has been filled with.....memorable moments. From calling my big brother and crying over being accepted to university....during the first week of school. To breaking up with Dummy. Which REALLY took its toll on my outlook of life. It actually left me feeling pretty depressed to lose such an amazing relationship. Though now I would not get together with him, that doesn't mean the soft spot won't go away. It's just one of those things that sticks with you till you die. On a happy note though, this year lead to a lot of self-discovery.

To start off with, I began to realize that when I put more effort into something my neglence is reflected in the other areasof my life. Though I may have been a true friend to one friend I ended up brushing away a few others based on the selfish assumption that they would always be there. I came out of senior realizing, the your true friends are the ones who aren't afraid to point out your flaws and help you fix them.

Another thing I was re-introduced to about myself is that I SUCK at time management. I handed in assignments late, I barely finished tests, much less exams, and I rarely came to school on time. I mean, I was extremely late, I am talking 38 lates for my first period class, and only showing up twice to my English class on time. This is clearly not a habbit I wish to bring with me into University.

Speaking of University, I managed to get into UofT, Ryerson and Western! The one I chose to attend was Western. With the distance away from my parents I am hoping to gain some independence. I want to be able to know that I'll be able to stand on my two feet and not crumble away.

However, the main reason I am writing in my blog isn't just because I am graduating and done with highschool it actually has to do with my new boyfriend.... Don't get me wrong he is an amazing guy and all, but he confuses the fuck out of me! I mean I get it has been a while since either of us have been in a relationship, but I just know he is keeping a lot from me. And I know everyone has their right to their own personal hell, but I am not used to being kept out of it. When people approach me the first thing they tell me is that I am easy to talk to. That they can really open up to me. Yet, with him its like he was granted an immunity or something. And what frustrates me is that I can see him hurting and I can't even help. Its so goddamingly frustrating! Oh and to make matters worse is that we won't even be going to the same University. We are literally on the opposite sides of the province and with the distance I am afraid of what will happen. I  don't want to break up with someone, with whom I know there is a potential amazing future. I don't want to think their is someone that is better for me, because I know there isn't.

Though at the same time, I don't want to be a restriction. I've never been the type of person that holds someone back from what they want to do, even if that means I get hurt in the end. I just can't do that to someone's life. Yet what pisses me off the most, is that I feel like he doesn't even want to get to know me. Sure we do couple like things: hold hands, peck, skype, etc but thats it. And the one day I tried to turn a peck into a makeout session I GET REJECTED! Do you know what that does a girl's psyche? It makes her feel like all the effort she is putting into the relationship is one sided. Like maybe her so called boyfriend just wanted to remain a friend. That maybe I am forcing something that he just isn't ready for yet. And though I can feel the timing is not the greatest I also feel like its worth it. That breaking through that barrier will lead me to an amazing person that I know is deep down. So if I am not being kissed because we aren't there yet, I am okay with that, I just need some sign of where the hell we ARE at....

Oh well, let the summer begin and a new chapter into uni life begin :) Because even with all of my psychoanaltical ways I still have a pretty awesome life. I mean who else can say their graduation gift is a trip to Eurpoe, a new dell touchscreen laptop, and a diamond ring. A spoiled kid, that's who! ;)

Sincerely,
Kavita Ambu

Still Not Getting the Message

     No matter how many times I may want to believe what I did was the right thing, I just can't. I ended something because it was the right thing to do right? Because I wanted to make those around me happy and please them? But it just doesn't feel right.
      I remember one day after I had a talk with a really close friend, my phone was thrown into a wall because I couldn't talk to ANYONE of the opposite gender. After that I got really upset so I decided to go for a walk at around 10:30 pm. Every step that I took away from house, though uneasy, felt like I was doing the right thing. Yet, the moment I turned around and started walking back it felt like sick to my stomach. Like I was going in the wrong direction with my life and that maybe I should turn around and walk to the one place I know I wanted to be. Unfortunately, the one place I want to be isn't exactly welcome territory at the moment. Mainly because where I want to be is not somewhere, but with someone.
     So yeah.... I still haven't gotten over my break up and it's been 2 months. Is that normal? To still like someone even after you've had no contact with them what so ever? I mean I know I should move on since he's obviously trying....so why can't I? When you get into a relationship that you never want to end, but eventually do due to circumstances it should be easy to forget the other person right? But I can't. I can't help but remember all the good times.

•  During the Zonta penny drive when I got to stuff my face with pizza and was encouraged into the hall just so he could say hi, and tell me that he loved me.
• When he surprise kissed me before one of the biggest presentations of my life.
• Laughing in the halls about my terrible observations skill
• Eating a doughnut in his house after admiring all the awards
• Being in the car and constantly changing the radio station, but not getting yelled at or told to stop cause he did it to
• Always nudging or squeezing his hand just to bug him and get his attention
• Endless webcam conversations, texts, emails, IMs, etc.
• Looking into his eyes and knowing for a fact there was no one else, no cheating !
• Getting into a fight and not being able to stay mad at each other for more than a second
• getting piggy back rides down my stairs
• His super soft hands (mine are like sandpaper)

      And everyday, this is what plays over and over again in my head. Every moment, every good time, every happy smile and laugh. The fact that knowing there was someone out there that appreciated all of me no matter what, whether I was smart, dumb, skinny, fat, it never mattered. What mattered was that I knew I would never have to watch what I say around him or worry that he kept what he thought off his mind from me. I loved being able to share every thought that came out of mind without being judged or doubted, but trusted whole - heartedly. I swear if I told him that large consumption of calcium didn't actually help bone density (which it doesn't), he would take my word for it and nothing else. So maybe I miss that.... or at least the memory of it.
      Instead, I am now greeted with silence. Dead, cold, nothingness. I mean sure we see one another, but there are still so many feelings there that I just don't trust myself around him and I can't have that. I can't have myself put him through this again just so that I could be happy and hope he feels that same way. I mean that is just the textbook definition of being selfish is it not? So instead, I suck up the mediocre human being that I am and shut it all out. Shut out my feelings, my thoughts, my wants and just get through the day. Most of the times I hope that he'll say may be it would be alright if we got back together, but I know it's never going to happen because of all the consequences that come with it. I fear that even if this does happen I won't be able to say yes because I know how much pain this happiness brings. Because now when I look in his I don't see happiness or joy. I see regret and pain. A look that says, " I want you, but I can't have you and everyday I see you, but I can't do anything about it because one of us will get hurt". HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO FACE THAT LOOK. I've cause this one person that I care sooo much about so much pain that I can't even look him in the eye. Not a day goes by that I just want to pull him, kiss him and say I wish things could go back to the way they were before. But I can't. So I shant. And instead I torture myself with  memories I know I shouldn't bring up,  but they are what I want most right now. I just want to be happy. To be told that what I did wasn't the most horrible thing in the world and that what I gave up was worth it. Yet, every day I come to the same conclusion... it wasn't.

Sincerely,
Never Letting Go
   

Love

     To say the least, I am done with loving someone; or as my friend would say "growing attached" to those I THINK I love. Because honestly it's just destroying me day by day... Had yet another relationship end, but I've learnt so much from it. I've learned that most of time I really do take my parents for granted and though I do plan on improving myself it will take time. I'm not someone who changes overnight nor do I learn things in a day, but when I understand someone or something you sure as hell better believe I will take that lesson to heart. So right now, I am putting off guys till I am done high school 2 years and counting... but hey the wait can't be too long right? I mean I have survived two years already and now that I am going into Grade 11 I just have two more years to go including the one I am in now... So you know what Duromsa, I thank you for being with a crazy ass bitch like myself because you've honestly taught me a lot about myself and I hope you find someone better. Know that you've made a lasting impression on my heart and I don't ever want to hurt you or anyone else again, I'm sorry you had to put up with me and I truly hope you find your next, it girl...... Because right now, I'm just not the person you should be around... Goodbye and goodluck

Sincerely Putting Her Act Together,
- Kavita